In The Year 2021

Hello! Come in! Sit down. You're here to see which one, now? Oh, yes. Ah. Let me tell you a story from when she was only two years old - that's what parents do, isn't it? Hm.

So anyway, she ate a berry off a yew bush in the backyard. Not a big deal, as we found out from poison control, until you eat three or more, then you can get sick. Now I didn't have anything against that bush, but I knew that girl and I knew if she'd tried it once she was likely to try it again and maybe eat three or four or twenty of those little red berries. So I took pret' near every tool in the garage and went AFTER those bushes!

First I sawed off all their limbs with a saw and a pruning shears. It was a hot afternoon, but I didn't care. I was sweatin' and workin' and once I had most of the bush all sawed off I started HACKING away at the soil and the roots with a pitchfork and a shovel. It was rocky soil and I could only loosen it up, even with those tools, so I just had to get in there with my hands and rip those rocks out of there. I tore them out and just kept SMASHING and CUTTING with the pitchfork and the shovel blade.

Finally after my hands had gone all black and my nails were breaking and bleeding I grabbed what was left of that bush and I ROARED - I actually ROARED! - me, a sophisticated, modern guy, and I threw that mutilated root ball halfway across my yard as I finally wrenched it out of the earth. OH MY, but it felt good!

Whew! Like I said, I didn't have anything against those bushes, but once I realized they were a danger to my daughter they were in tiny pieces in the garbage can within twenty-four hours. Now I still got ALL those tools out in my garage and the question I wanna ask you, young man, is this: Are you a danger to my daughter?

A Brand New Song!

This is a totally new song I am very excited about. You can listen to it and download it for free.

It's Not About The Words

Clicking on the song's title above will take you to garageband.com, where I have an artist page. The page includes complete lyrics and exclusive song information. This is the best way I have found to give you, my friend, my music here on the internet. Enjoy!

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I also had some communication with an old classmate about the essay I wrote about the Great Uncle Helmer CD old man will travel. I went through and tried to make all the verb tenses match, which they hadn't, and then added the communication to the end of the essay. Why not listen to your copy of old man will travel while you read this essay? Spend the evening with Karl and Me.

Read the essay here

or

Buy the album

And here's a tip: Don't pay more than $10. Good grief! Some people are trying to get $50-70 for this. Good luck.

This has been "new stuff", once a page at memphisevans.com, now a blog.

Some Promotional Thing

So this kind of might promote my song "Yeah, Hey, Alright, Rock and Roll, Whoo!" or it might not. But I'm curious to see what this link takes you to, so check it out with me if you wish.

Yeah, Hey, Alright, Rock and Roll, Whoo! (link no longer exists)

Or it might just promote myspace and toyota, two things I am increasingly indifferent about.

PostScript: Okay, that's actually kind of cool. If you haven't heard that song already, check it out. I've now posted it to facebook and myspace, as can you.

Fraud, Anyone?

Let's pretend you're a band. Now let's pretend you're a band that has some people in it who played the Minneapolis songs on Bob Dylan's Blood on the Tracks album. Now let's pretend you call yourself "Blood On The Tracks Live" and distribute flyers and merchandise with that name. Do you think people coming to see you play would expect you to play songs from any particular album? Any album at all?

Let me help you out here. If you call yourself "Blood On The Tracks Live" and make a big deal about having people in your band who played on the album "Blood On The Tracks" then people who come to see you are going to expect to hear songs from...wait for it...it's a Bob Dylan album...from the mid '70s...that some of you allegedly played on...it's in your band name...?

No? No idea? Okay, well then never mind. Fool me once shame on me, or you, or whatever that is.

Maybe they did "Buckets of Rain" as their third encore but I'll never know because I was done with them. Final question: Idiot Wind - Wind = ?

Update: July 17, 2009
Umm...nevermind. There was a front page article in the next local paper about how they played a final set with local hero Dan Israel singing a whole slew of Dylan tunes. I had left by then, but "Buckets of Rain" was indeed among the tunes.

Also, never, ever purchase or consume a Chelada. (Commercially available mix of Clamato (yum!) and Bud Light.) Yuck. And never pour it out on a napkin just to see what it looks like. You don't want to know what it looks like.

That Dude Deserves A Medal

So let's say there's this dude and he's been married about seven years or so, right? Right about the time the proverbial itch may be kicking in. And let's say this dude is in a rock band and that they're playing like 250 miles away from home. Then let's say both nights were totally dead until the last two sets of the second night, when the dance floor explodes. With me so far?

So then there show up these two women with no wedding rings on their hands let's say. Before the last set they start getting all up in the dude's space, rubbing his back and telling him he should smile more, loosen up, have fun, quit looking at his watch onstage, etc. Right? Are you picking up the vibe I'm trying to convey? It's not that hard.

So during the final set, when the dude knows he has pretty much guaranteed access to his own private hotel room that night should he so desire, these two women are staring at him, pointing at him when he smiles, and dancing with each other in a suggestive way. And let me note that these women are not skanky or unattractive. They look good is what I'm saying. Sweet even.

So end of set and this dude is sitting on the edge of the stage waiting to get paid, having loaded his stuff and that of his band into the truck. One of these women comes and sits right next to him, all touching her leg to his and so forth talking about how she often tries to help her friend get hooked up. That doesn't seem like it would be that hard, thinks the dude, but the dude doesn't say that because that might be suggestive. Then the cute friend herself comes and sits right behind the dude and is all making contact with his back and so forth. So what does that dude do?

That dude, with inspiration from the John Travolta/Vincent Vega speech into the bathroom mirror after the Jackrabbit Slim's dance contest, politely gets up and says "See you, uh...later" and walks out the door and drives away. Let me explain that that dude is not some shrinking violet who is afraid of the ladies. No, he is no stranger to such things and can vividly imagine what, if the vibe he is getting is right on, these two women want. See what happened here? See what I'm getting at?

That dude shrugs it off and drives straight home, through the night, to his wife and kids. And guess what? That dude deserves a medal, a cookie, and a day named after him. Damn.

New Straw Dogs Material

Hey, check this out. Readers will remember when I found an address for Rob van Vliet and sent, more or less, a fan letter conveying my fondness for "If This Is Crazy" and "Clown Car" from the Larson Coffeehouse tape on which I also appeared and asking whether he'd recorded anything else. He set up a download site for a sampler of his material and now has added more.

Three Free Albums!

Good stuff. Here is a quote from Rob:

Jason says that if you link to our music download page from your blog, he would appreciate if you call attention to the lo-fi nature of these recordings (something I've already done on the download page, but it's a caveat worth repeating, I think).

Done. That's never bothered me much.

Fun Show in the Rain

Around 1:45 this afternoon I loaded up my car with PA and drums and drove to Grantsburg, WI. I got there with over an hour to spare, so walked around "downtown", which was nearby and somewhat deserted, and meditated on a bench facing Memory Lake, which was where we were playing, inspiring and beautiful. Karl and Bill showed up a little before 5 and we set up as Pete arrived, then Andy. We had quite a big crowd, maybe 70 people on lawn chairs. We were at the edge of a picnic pavilion facing out.

The crowd bought food and ate. I think the money went to a charity maybe. We played well for several songs then it started to absolutely pour. We lost much of the crowd, but the pavilion became immediately packed with people. I was then sitting at a picnic bench facing away from them, as was Bill. Karl, Andy, and Pete turned around to face them. It was an interesting way to continue the show.

We didn't play our entire set, which was fine. Karl picked the songs for the most part, and we skipped "Gone To Stay", "Devil", and "Muddy Water", which made sense as I was facing away from the crowd. Also, my throat was a little sore. We did do "The Day", which showcases my vocals and got a big positive reaction. "Total Peace" and its extended electric banjo solo drew much deserved post-solo clapping from the attentive crowd. That's always cool. We wrapped up with "Into The West", which now features a swooping bass riff I love to just sit still and listen to.

The people that stayed around in the rain had a lot of fun and we did too. Thanks to the organizers of Grantsburg's music in the park series and thanks to my bandmates and all who came to listen.

Ten Bands You Have All Their Albums Of (Part 2)

Recently added to the list:
ROQUE
Flip Nasty
El Squeako

and as soon as I get Suck Pumpkin:
Splat Monkey

Make sense? Good. It's good stuff and you should have it, too.
Go check it out.

Thank you Cody!

End of an Era?

I heard the new Republican Party mouthpiece say forcefully on the radio that "the era of apologizing for Republican mistakes is over." This announcement was greeted with applause, presumably from other Republicans.

The obvious question to me was as follows: When did this era of apology begin? I don't remember hearing of an apology from, let's say, George Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, or any of the other war criminals whose grave misdeeds hung heavy and obviously over the new mouthpiece's announcement. Did I miss a whole era? I guess it's my fault if I did, because I don't really like paying attention to the news. I only happened to catch that fantastic announcement flipping through stations in the car.

So yes, I remember the long, long era of costly, deadly mistakes, but I don't remember the era of apologizing for them.

P.S. I also love the idea that declaring that something is over makes it over, a Republican classic. (Mission accomplished?) I hope the next declaration is that the Dow is back into five figures.

The Other Jubilant Dogs Were Right

I remember one time in high school when I was inviting a girl to Young Life with the goal of helping her to know Jesus. Without smiling at all she said, "David Bowie is my god." I could tell she meant it. I did not know what to say and she never did come to Young Life although we remained friends.

Flash forward 19 years. David Bowie is probably not going to rise to deity in my personal pantheon, but only because I reserve that distinction for my main god, God. "Life On Mars?" is my current favorite song by someone other than me. (My current favorite song by me is called "When, If Ever" and will be available before terribly long if I can get my computer to stop skipping like a 45 long enough to mix it. Yes, that is what happened last time I opened the session.) Anyway, how did I not get more music by this man called Bowie until now?

The point being that in 1997 I wrote a song called "Andy Warhol" with no idea David Bowie had written a song by that title in 1971. In the early '00s Jubilant Dogs were getting together for a practice/adding new songs session. We e-circulated our lists of songs people wanted to add. I was thrilled to see that someone wanted to add the song "Andy Warhol" and eagerly typed up chord sheets and a lyric sheet (such as it is – the lyrics merely consist of the title repeated several times, interspersed with "ooooh"s) for the singers. I didn't know how they'd heard my song, since I hadn't played it for anyone in the band yet. I was unhappy to find that they had actually never heard of my song. My excitement dashed, I was subsequently disinclined to play the complex sounding David Bowie song I'd never heard before.

Flash forward six or seven years. Today I was listening to Bowie's album Hunky Dory for the fourth or fifth time this week. His song called "Andy Warhol" came on and I thought to myself, "This would have been great for Jubilant Dogs." My bad.

Mickey Mouse has grown up a cow.

What is Your Favorite Ten Years of Music?

If you could ONLY listen to music from ten continuous years, which ten continuous years would they be and why? Also, who would you miss most that was not recording during those years? It does not have to be a strict decade like 1990-1999 and mine is not. It does have to be ten continuous years. I've thought about it a lot and my answer will be posted in a while. If you think you know me well, guess mine. That could be fun.

Hey, also this: I'm looking for a book of illustrated, accurate, intelligent bible stories for preschoolers. I'm scanning amazon and my library but if anyone has a really great one they know and love let me know.

Culture Roundup

Well, if you like movies at all and live within forty miles of Minneapolis, you owe it to yourself to go to The Heights Theater at least once in your life. I went recently on sort of a spur of the moment thing and saw Phantom Lady from 1944. It was wonderful. There was live organ music for about a half hour beforehand. Magical!

Here's a tip: order the Heights Special – I didn't look carefully and got a large popcorn and a small pop – for a quarter more than I would have paid for a large popcorn and a large pop. To their credit, they did not point this out to me and try to change my order. They let me be dumb.

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If you are a Paul McCartney fan you should check out "The McCartney Years" 3 DVD set. Put disc one on your netflix if nothing else. Some of the commentary is hilarious and/or poignant. At one point McCartney (2007) is watching McCartney (1980) walking in front of an arctic set and there's a polar bear. "I think there was a trench in between the bear and me…oh, yes. There's the water erupting from the trench." Maybe it's in his delivery. He's just like, "Oh, yeah, that time I was walking around next to a polar bear and of course water erupted from the trench between us. Naturally." So casual.

At one point in the "Silly Love Songs" video McCartney (1976) is goofing for the camera, walking with Linda, together looking like the coolest rock stars the world has ever produced, and Linda points her thumb at him and looks at the camera with a good-natured "long suffering" look. Paul (2007) says on the commentary, "Yes, he's a nutter, Linda."

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On a related note, I was recently asked, "Could Linda McCartney really sing?" I answered somewhat less than unequivocally, but I've thought about it a lot since then. Yes. The answer is an unqualified yes. It's a shame that that awful clip of her isolated backing vocal from a 1989 live version of "Hey, Jude" got so much airplay. It was simply an artifact of poor engineering, rather like the 2004 "Dean Scream" that may or may not have given us an extra four deadly years of Dubya.

Nearly three decades of beautiful harmonies (often along with Denny Laine) and the very good compilation of her own compositions and lead vocals on the album Wide Prairie are far more representative of an artist who is sometimes unfairly maligned. Pick up any Wings album and you'll realize that the sound of the vocals – Paul, Linda, and Denny – really makes the music soar. (I recommend Band on the Run for first timers and London Town or Venus And Mars if you've already got BotR.)

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In books, I must endorse Revolutionary Road. I love it. It is most reminiscent of John Updike's Rabbit books, but set in 1955 and with a deadly dry wit. Some people might say it is depressing but I say life is often depressing and this book is the accurate depiction of exactly how and why. It helps to have Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet in my mind as the leads and I plan to move the movie to the top of my netflix now. The characters were so very real and heartbreaking. Terrific. Get on the waiting list for it NOW at your local library as it is very popular.

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Final note: If you haven't seen any of the "Drunk History" episodes at funnyordie.com you should really check them out. I laughed so hard I couldn't speak. Partly because I know I couldn't do any better at reciting those things even if I were sober.

Ten Bands You Have All Their Albums Of

This was an interesting one to me and I could spend untold hours documenting in detail exactly which albums I have and why the ones I don't have don't count (This means you, Yellow Submarine (original version), which actually now that I think about it I bought on LP in high school) but here is the short version of what could have become a compulsive time suck. Minimum is three albums (Sorry Jubilant Dogs fans except for Stu who has a live disc and a rarities collection).

10. The Velvet Underground
9. Kaptain Karl
8. Scot Ninnemann
7. Great Uncle Helmer
6. Evan Johnson (Yes, there are three - if you do not have the five disc "The Evan Johnson Anthology" you are missing out.)
5. Simon & Garfunkel/Paul Simon (unless you count "The Paul Simon Songbook", longtime inhabitant of my amazon wish list, but not something I actually strongly desire or need)
4. Billy Joel
3. Kirsty MacColl
2. Bob Dylan
1. The Beatles

Anyone else? What's interesting is that I think there are exactly ten bands I have all their albums of.

Really Great Mississippi Seven Show Helps Raise $1200

I loaded up the car and left around 2:30. When I got to the Franconia Sculpture Garden around 3:10 I realized I had plenty of time so I walked all around the snowy, expansive art space and was transported and edified by it all. It was quite wonderful. I did not realize how many smaller works there were there, complimenting the giant ones you can see from the highway.

I got to Hog Wild, a terrific barbecue joint and meeting hall (pun intended), around 4:30 and someone kind directed me to the room we were to play in. It was big – bigger than the rooms J. Bell usually books and all I had was my little coffeehouse PA. I set up everything I could and hoped for the best. Karl arrived around 5 and the rest of the guys trickled in over the next hour. Karl and I discussed the PA and I realized I was in a similar setting to the J. Bell shows but a very different situation requiring a different kind of show. It was all going to be fine.

Who all was there? The entire band, along with friends and family, and a totally packed room of excited people of all ages. During our first set kids were breakdancing, adults were normaldancing and singing along, and the band was playing great. We had plenty of space, adequate time to set up, soundcheck, and eat dinner. It may have been our best show yet, in fact I'm fairly certain it was.

During soundcheck Karl announced that his new "Ballad of Iver's Mountain" was in G. In rehearsal on Tuesday it was in D, which I knew because my chorus harmony starts on the high tonic (a.k.a. the note D in the key of D) and while D is within my range, G is pushing it. I said that it had been in D on Tuesday. He disagreed. I said, "It's no big deal. We can do it in G," strongly implying that's not where it was Tuesday without going in to how I knew that for sure. He diffused whatever tension may have been arising by saying, "Just let me have this one." I laughed and said "Okay. Cling to your sweet illusion." It sounds like I was being snotty, but it was good natured.

When we played "The Ballad of Iver's Mountain" the response was tremendous. It was a little like Johnny Cash playing "San Quentin" at San Quentin or "Folsom Prison" at Folsom Prison. We sang chorus after chorus and so did the crowd. Images of quarries and rocky, dusty explosions played on a video loop projected onto the wall behind us all night. Strangely, some of the quarry images were very beautiful and some of the images of Iver's Mountain as it stands were sort of generic and dull looking. It was not terribly effective as propaganda but Karl's mom said it made some interesting juxtapositions with our lyrics. We ended up playing "Iver's Mountain" a second time for an encore at the very end of the night, around 10:15 or so.

On "California" I held the last note as long as I could, which got to be pretty long. I pretend-collapsed and Pete, reading my mind, came over with my coat as a James Brown cape thing, which was cool. I threw it off and cued the last few notes.

"The Devil Is Knocking at the Door" was very effective. I did a bit of a Devil voice, overdid the deadpan laconitude of the Memphis voice, and spoke as clearly as I could. I saw that Karl's mom and cousin were listening and laughing, which made me care even more about the debut live performance of the tune.

On "Loving You" Pete played the drums, wailing on the snare on beat one. It was mercilessly weird and totally inappropriate but that was okay. Andy played drums and I played bass on "Theme From Honigman" which minor rearrangement was a great spur-of-the-moment suggestion by A. Hon. I got to stretch my legs and dance a bit and he is no worse on the drums than I am. "Total Peace" became a showcase for Pete's electric banjo and its conversation with my drums. It was an awesome jam and ended our first set on a definite high note.

Shortly before the end of the first set Bill's keyboard somehow reset itself, eliminating the piano sound and leaving him with only a synth horn patch to play. Technical wizard Bill programmed a new piano sound during the set break, reminding me of his similarly day saving rescue of the DVD player at one of our Cafe Wren outdoor shows, which gave people the option to remain after our set to watch Kung Fu Hustle and be eaten alive by mosquitoes.

The second set had substantially fewer people and I'd lost a meat raffle (which I entered to support Bride on her Atkins diet), blowing six bucks. But I'd had more beer, generously purchased in pitcher format by Pete, and a six dollar second helping of barbecue which I only pretended to pay for, so it was good in its own slightly drunk way. Between the opening vocal notes of "There Stands the Glass" and putting the hammer down on the song proper I paused to stick the lyric sheet on my kick drum, then dropped one of my brushes by accident, then mentioned that I couldn't honestly say any drink was my "first one today". It was funny. To me.

A delighted one year old came up and walked among us for the last four or five songs. I gave him a drum brush and he periodically hit my drums with it but mostly just walked around and waved it and danced. It was great. I played the snare with my bare left hand. I only took the brush back for "Muddy Water" which requires my full attention and whose dynamics I took to the usual ridiculous extremes.

I had good conversations with everyone, plenty of food, drink, time to play, good response from people listening, and we helped raise $1200 to fund the campaign to save Iver's Mountain. I understand the previous fundraiser made $800, so I was glad to hear we compared well.

Another positive was that a reputable newspaper of record ran a story with a full color picture of all seven of us and a quote from Leonard "Shotgun" Johnson, our leader, saying how pleased we were to be back in Luck and helping a worthy cause. This is wonderful validation for the band, given the persistent rumors of Shotgun's non-existence. Of course, he was not at last night's show because he'd spent the night out on Iver's Mountain in a private vigil, causing his fingers to become frostbitten to the extent that he could not play his mandolin. I bought my own copy of that paper for the archives, plus popcorn, jerky, and gatorade, on the way out of Wisconsin.

Got home a little before 1 a.m. and unloaded PA, drums, etc. from car. Started "A Place Of Exile" (story 2 of 3) in Star Trek: Myriad Universes: Infinity's Prism but didn't get very far due to exhaustion. Loved previous story about T'Pol, Pike, Kirk, Sarek, and his near-twin Romulan Commander who marvelously remains unnamed. It was a wonderful night. Thanks to everyone who came out and especially to all my bandmates who worked so hard to make it as good as it was.

Check out the setlist if you wish.

Shock, Pride

There were these two people talking near me in the library, obviously a tutoring situation. (Speaking of which, was that a comma splice?) I have been listening to them for about a half hour. I could not see them due to the configuration of the library's infrastructure. I had this whole thing built up in my mind about how they looked. It was an effeminate guy tutoring a jock. Fascinating undercurrents of maybe the guy being tutored (who was having his fair share of trouble) maybe being homophobic and resenting the tutoring but knowing he needs it because he knows he's slow and resenting that even more.

Then - shock! The guy I thought was the effeminate talker - who I could see his back - stood up while talking. He's the jock! Then I shifted slightly in my seat so I could see the "effeminate" tutorer and - shock! It's a middle aged woman!

That was interesting to me.

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I was very pleased and proud of myself lately when my library purchased a whole series of new Star Trek Comic Classics after I recommended them. One of them is The Trial of James T. Kirk. The rest, if you're interested, are all displayed as "people also bought..." on the amazon site for that one. Sweet. Thanks, me from the past.

Now if only they would get Kirsty MacColl: The One and Only. Recommend it with me, won't you? Suggest a Title. Use the amazon page for information, including the ISBN. (They use the 13 digit one.) Thanks, you from right this second.

Ten Albums

Tagged by Scot Ninnemann, I now add my list of ten albums that have meant the most to me. I have somehow inserted this blog into my facebook profile, or so I have been led to believe by a series of clickings with words that seemed to contradict one another. Anyway, if you're here, enjoy this if you wish:

Junior High and High School:

The Beatles:
1. Abbey Road
2. The Beatles (White album)
3. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
4. Let It Be
These four LPs belonging to my parents brought joy to hundreds of hours of homework and established the standard by which I judged any music that I have listened to later in life. It's so weird to think that the Beatles were only as long gone then as Nirvana is now.

5. Born In The U.S.A. Bruce Springsteen
Listening to this album led to his better albums like Greetings and The Wild, The Innocent, then every other Springsteen album up to and including Tunnel of Love, for which I saw the tour. Stuff after that, not so much.

6. The Other Side Of Life The Moody Blues
First arena rock show I ever saw. I was blown away. They had lights that went across the stage as the drum fills played on the title track to that album and I was hooked. I still love that album and many other Moodies albums, my latest fave being Strange Times. Fascinating trivia: The drum technician for this very tour later ran sound for Justin Bell and Lazy Susan (including me) at Decoy's in Hopkins! We had a long conversation about it and I know he wasn't lying because he is actually in the "Your Wildest Dreams" video.

7. Greatest Hits Volumes I & II Billy Joel
Not a particularly hip list so far. Just awesome, popular music. Listening to this led me to every other Billy Joel album up to and including The Bridge and then Storm Front, for both of which I saw the tour(s) Also I played these songs hundreds of times (ask my sister) on the piano, developing whatever rock piano chops I may or may not have on a given day (ask Justin).

College:

8. The Bootleg Series Vol. 1-3 Bob Dylan
Nothing further needs to be said about Bob Dylan. Assume that I bought most, if not all of the other albums by the bands on this list, saw them live at least once, and tried to be more like them.

9. Complete Collected Words Simon & Garfunkel
Really great. The amazing guitar playing is what people don't necessarily immediately think of.

10. Worker's Playtime Billy Bragg
The strange and mysterious accent. The insight into the human heart. The spare yet warm production. The colorful artwork. It is that rare thing - a perfect album. (So are 1, 2, 3, 11, 12, 13, 16)

11. Flood They Might Be Giants
This has probably been THE single biggest impact album on me as a songwriter. The "I didn't know you could do THAT!" factor was the biggest thing about it for me.

12. Across The Universe Trip Shakespeare
Such harmonies! Such melodies! Such feeling! Such poetry! And a great live show at First Avenue.

13. Blue Joni Mitchell
You know. Sad. Happy. And every other shade.

14. Automatic For The People R.E.M.
Led to earlier R.E.M. which had previously just annoyed me (courtesy of roommates) but later totally ensnared my mind and my soul.

15. #1 Record/Radio City/Third Big Star
I learned to sing and play more songs from these albums than from any other three albums except the Beatles.

Adult:

16. Whatever and Ever Amen Ben Folds Five
A legitimate new thing under the sun. Virtuosic piano, which is all too rare in popular music, meets really, really great lyrics and brilliant Queen-sounding harmonies.

17. Galore Kirsty MacColl
Now I'm getting a little bit hip I think. Catchy songs, emotions, witty lyrics, harmonies, you know me. Pretty much everything I try to be.

18. Guitool Flip Nasty
Leader Cody Weathers is the ultimate DIY band/person. He's the label, he's the drummer, he's the webmaster, he's the interviewer of himself, he's the songwriter, he's the singer, he writes the hilarious liner notes, etc.

19. Keep It Together Guster
So great. Seen them twice. Clever, catchy, etc. Normal people writing about stuff normal people think about, plus other things. Lots of positive associations with their music now.

Tag!
(Oh, was that more than ten? I couldn't cut it back and in fact keep thinking of others. I'll stop now though.)

Hanno

Big fans of Memphis Evans will be able to immediately call to mind the image of former St. Olaf German professor Hanno Klassen as featured on the cover of the Great Uncle Helmer album old man will travel. I recently heard that Hanno has passed away and felt like sharing some memories of that day.

I am sorry to hear that Hanno died. I only met him once - the day we took the photos we used for that CD - but he was quite extraordinary. We took about a hundred pictures that day. He was very patient and kind to Karl and I and he seemed to enjoy the experience. The whole time he was talking about what it was like to be in Berlin around the time of WWII, talking about his relationships, and singing songs. I can't think of anyone else I've ever met who was quite like him. One of his songs went something like this:

Cars and highways. These will pass away. Only the trees will remain.
Wind and grass - these things will remain.

His perspective on our music was that he liked the vocals but was not as fond of the "electronic" other sounds. I guess we did technically use electric guitar and bass, but that is probably the least electronically manipulated album I've ever made. This perspective was eye opening to me and I liked it. R.I.P.

An Interview with The Guy Who Threw A Shoe At George W. Bush

Memphis Evans: Hello and welcome to Memphis Evans: The Blog. Thanks for coming in today.

The Guy Who Threw A Shoe At George W. Bush: Thank you. It's nice to be here.

ME: Now listen. Let's get down to it. I do not like George W. Bush. But honestly, when you, uh, when you threw that...what the? Do you hear that?

TGWTASAGWB: Sorry?

ME: Do you hear that ticking? What is that?

TGWTASAGWB: Mmm...I'm not hearing it. Sorry.

ME: (pause, listening) Yeah, I think it stopped. So, anyway, my point is that in that video you actually made George Bush NOT look like an idiot on YouTube for the first time in his entire presidency. He dodged it like an athlete. He stayed cool. Do you have any...Hang on. There it is again. Do you hear that? You have to hear that!

TGWTASAGWB: Well...(listens) I don't. A ticking, did you say?

ME: Yeah. Or sort of a beeping? Like a, uh, right there! I just heard it!

TGWTASAGWB: Maybe. Anyway, I threw the shoe to make the point that...

ME: There! That...it did it a bunch of times. You can't tell me you didn't hear that! I have to go see what that is. It's driving me nuts. Hang on.
(exeunt)

TGWTASAGWB: Okay.
(waits)

Many and Various

Most of the time people err on the side of adding apostrophe's to word's that don't actually need them. But every once in a while the opposite happen's. I saw a sermon title printed outside a church that looked like this:

GODS ABUNDANCE

It is not a polytheistic church as far as I know.

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I was just investigating the Chinese New Year after clicking on the ox at the yahoo homepage and I realized I am totally this metal pig. That makes me want to write an early R.E.M.-like song but probably I won't.

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Marvin Gaye...ve Up?

"What's Going On?" is arguably Marvin Gaye's greatest song and the title track to one of my favorite albums of all time. The second song on that album is the excellent "What's Happening Brother?". Then the album takes a detour into something called "Flying High (In The Friendly Sky)". I propose that Marvin Gaye copped out. The next song should have been called "Hot Enough For Ya?". He could have made an entire album of small-talky, opening questions. "Hey, How's It Going?" - I can hear it now in my mind. "Hey, Man, Just Checkin' In." "What's Up?" Maybe something for the Spanish listeners, a la Stevie Wonder - "Que Pasa, Hombre?"

Well, since he was off to such a great start, it's just a missed opportunity, that's all I'm sayin'. Gaye's tragic 1984 murder means we will never know if he truly had such a concept album in him.

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The best example of everyone's favorite band acronym in a comic strip:

Right here

or (a close second)

Or right here

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Misheard Aphorisms:
Keep your powder dry and your enemes drier.
Keep your friends close and pass the ammunition.

Your Creepy, Mind-Reading Friend

You know that when you type "There Will Be Blood" into a search engine because you want to go see a local production of Macbeth and that was the headline of the review in the paper and you want to learn how to get tickets, that the next time you visit a different website you will see an ad for Netflix and they will tell you to click there to watch the movie "There Will Be Blood" right now!

Yes, we know that. That's how the internet works now. It's like your creepiest, greediest, most inappropriately invasive friend ever. But did you know that Target can read your thoughts, even out in the parking lot? Yes. Then they share your thoughts with the relevant parties. Doubt me?

The other day, before I went grocery shopping, I thought about an ad I'd seen on a tv at a bar for a product called the Snuggie. This is a combination blanket/housecoat that seems to be for the seriously dedicated couch potato. I have never investigated this item online. I have never spoken to anyone about this item. I am not actually interested in purchasing this item beacuse my lifestyle, thankfully, remains slightly more active than would make this purchase a good value for me.

I merely thought about it and laughed to myself in the parking lot of Target. That's all. And now I get about one spam e-mail per week suggesting I buy one. They are watching, listening, and monitoring. Believe it.

New Stuff - The Beatless

Well, I have moved the "New Stuff" function of my main website to this blog because it is more convenient. As such, here is your notification of some new stuff at the main website.

The Beatless Index

Scot Ninnemann, my old bandmate in an acoustic duo called The Beatless was wondering about what shows of ours I had on tape. So I obsessively documented them and may any day now add their transformation from uneven tapes into good sounding CDs to the long list of unfinished projects in the studio.

Bombs Away! Take It Easy

Comments are now totally free and easy here at Memphis Evans: The Blog. I have enabled total commenting freedom. No typing of squiggly letters, no e-mailing it to me for approval first. Like they say at the Metrodome, "Obsecne or indecent clothing shall not detract from the guest experience." And it won't here either.

(Yes, that really is the first rule of conduct posted throughout the Metrodome, as you know if you've ever been to a Twins game with me. Inappropriate syntax cracks me up.)

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Someone in Shotgun Johnson & The Mississippi Seven (jokingly, if I give the benefit of the doubt) suggested we play "Take It Easy" by the Eagles. My thoughts:

I get all the Take It Easy I care to in J. Bell & Lazy Susan. Which is more than I want already. Ideally Take It Easy would be confined to a barrel and shot into the sun. And by "Take It Easy" I mean all copies of the original recording, all subsequent recordings, any and all written record of the song, including, but not limited to, sheet music, lyric sheets and guitar transcriptions. Also Don Henley and Glen Frey. A giant rocket will be erected and kept ready to exile to the sun (and, duh, kill) anyone caught playing the song in the future. I am going to send these ideas to incoming President Obama. Who will sign my petition?

Dave

btw I have The Eagles Greatest Hits 1971-1975 and I play this song in a band that has paid me as much as $120 for a single show, so I'll be first in joining in the sacrifice. This is not like some straight, celibate Pope outlawing gays and birth control. You don't play the game, you don't make the rules.

Shows! Power Ballads!

I have just added 2009's currently scheduled shows to the official Memphis Evans performance calendar. If you go to only one show this year, at this point I would recommend the Mississippi Seven show at Hog Wild on Feb. 28.

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Power Ballads were a dollar off at Target this week. I've had my eye on this CD for quite some time and $7.99 for all that rock...just felt right.

What Are You Made Of?

I am curious about what percentage of the human body is water. I think there was a convoluted conversation with a toddler that reminded me that I do not know this very basic fact.

I remember Nagilum (scaaaaary!) calling the Enterprise D crew "ugly bags of mostly water" and Data reported that he was being accurate. So it's at least 50% I think. Once I asked an actual medical doctor with a degree and everything and she said somewhere around 65-70 percent but admitted that she was basing her answer on a memory of a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon, not her presumably extensive training in biology.

But I already asked y'all about the Bible thing this month, so I'm going to do my own research this time. Ready? Here I go. (Note: This will seem instantaneous to you, but will involve long minutes of painstaking research for me. You're welcome.) The answer is:

The human body...is made up of between 55 and 75 percent water (lean people have more water in their bodies because muscle holds more water than fat). Water...makes up, on average, 60 percent of your body weight. source

The human body is 61.8 percent water by weight. Protein accounts for 16.6 percent; fat, 14.9 percent; and nitrogen, 3.3 percent of human body weight. Other elements constitute smaller percentages of body weight. source

Hey, this is one of my internet questions that wikipedia actually totally knocks out of the park. (Not always the case - remember Adventures of Ivan and Rob vanVliet, readers?)

Incidentally, Data is made up of 24.6 kilograms of tripolymer composites, 11.8 kilograms of molybdenum-cobalt alloys and 1.3 kilograms of bioplast sheeting. source

Anyway, there. I did it myself.

The Bible

Hey readers! I am lazy! Help me! Do my research!

I read a lot of books. In the last week or two I read Hotel De Dream, One For The Money, and Star Trek: Destiny: Books One and Two. I was about to read Inside Out by Larry Crabb for a book study an old friend is leading online. This is a book about Christianity. Then I was thinking how I would like to read the whole bible. (Not as a New Years Resolution either. I don't do those because they don't work any better than, say, July Resolutions - time of year is just a coincidence.)

Here's the thing though. The Bible is handicapped as a work of actual readable literature. It's always broken up into tiny columns. It's got numbers all over it that break up what narrative and/or poetic flow there is. I love the Bible but it's hard for me to really read it and get into it like I do with other books. So how can you help me?

I seem to remember something about a Bible that came out a few years ago that attempted to dispel these chronic handicaps to the Bible's readability. It may have been endorsed by Bono. I would love to read a Bible with normal typesetting and no numbers (okay, maybe just chapter numbers, but no verse numbers). It doesn't have to be in modern language, in fact I would rather it were not. I've read the Bible enough that I like the syntax, grammar, and language the way it is. It's just the way it's printed on the page that always makes me feel I'm trudging through mud. So is there such a thing? A Bible with old school syntax and language but modern, readable typesetting?

I Am Judging You, Traffic

From the window of one of my blogging sites I have a clear view of a stop sign in a neighborhood that is loaded with small children. I will now judge people on their stopping, using the following criteria:

good: wheels actually stop, person looks around, and is not on phone

adequate: wheels slow down significantly, looks around, and is not on phone (note: this non-stop is still, technically, illegal)

poor: any of these three criteria are not met

okay, now suddenly traffic has slowed…

Here we go:

adequate
poor
adequate
adequate
adequate
poor
adequate

waiting for one more…

one more chance, traffic…

GOOD! Well done, final person I will notice. I wish there were some way to give you $100 dollars and have you know and accept just exactly why. Wouldn't that be a useful traffic management device? If everyone had the option, instead of just giving the friendly wave of thank you, to immediately reward a fellow driver financially for making wise and kind decisions? What with all this OnStar stuff, it seems within the technological realm of possibility and I could see that being a big success - making money and saving lives.

My favorite thing is when a cop car sits just out of sight of this intersection. This happens about once a month as far as I can tell. They could raise their annual budget in a few short weeks with aggressive ticketing at this intersection.

Interview With A Guy Who's So Hardcore You Don't Even Know

From time to time I meet people whose behavior, for whatever reason, catches my attention. Such was the case recently in the locker room at my health club.

Memphis Evans: Hello Guy Who's So Hardcore You Don't Even Know, and welcome to Memphis Evans: The Blog.

Guy Who's So Hardcore You Don't Even Know: (Gasping for breath, indistinct verbalizations)

ME: I couldn't help but notice that brightly colored, custom fit cyclist outfit you're wearing. Pretty snazzy!

GWSHYDEK: (Sits down on bench, continues gasping)

ME: Really, though, what'd that set ya back?

GWSHYDEK: You...don't...even...(breathes only slightly less heavily, as time slowly eases the trauma of his monster workout)

ME: Do you find your current behavior in any way embarrassing or overplayed?

GWSHYDEK: (Lies down on his back on the bench, closing his eyes, rubbing his face and continuing, essentially, to pant)

ME: I guess not. How about a hint as to how long you were in there? I assume you were spinning or some such thing?

GWSHYDEK: I...so much more...than you...(abandoning conventional human speech, drops arms from bench to floor in horizontal version of crucifixion pose)

ME: Are you even from Minnesota? I would honestly be mortified to be as demonstrative as you are being right now. Even if I were that tired and worked myself that hard I would never lie down on the locker room bench, breathing like a sick animal. I don't even like using the locker room, if you really have to know. That's kind of why I use this out of the way room of it with no mirrors and usually no other people. Nevertheless, people like you fascinate me and I thank you for visiting ME:TB. Anyway, I hope you recover soon. I'm off to my 45 minutes of elliptical and 15 laps in the pool.

(ME exit)

GWSHYDEK: Pussy.

(GWSHYDEK expires)

Just A Few Links

I have some really great blog ideas but I don't have them with me. The next month or so should be a great one here at Memphis Evans, Inc. but in the meantime here are some fun links.

The Good Father Who Is Just Like Me

The Heartwarming, Seemingly Extemporaneous Holiday Message From William Shatner

I Hate This

Obama suggests that having Rick Warren speak at his inauguration represents his embracing of a diversity of ideas. (See nonsense for yourself)

"I think that it is no secret that I am a fierce advocate for equality for gay and lesbian Americans," Obama said. "It is something that I have been consistent on, and I intend to continue to be consistent on during my presidency."

This is true. Well, unless by equality one means the freedom to do the same things regardless of your sexual orientation. (See what I did there? Obama is actually lying.) Biden made very clear during the VP debates that neither he nor Obama is in favor of gay marriage. Equality means marriage. Full and total marriage, no different from straight people.

There is no true equality in "civil unions" only. It is the new segregation. Remember junior high history class? Remember Plessy vs. Ferguson? That U.S. Supreme Court decision preserved the segregation of White and Black public schools. Having civil unions for gays and marriage for straight people is exactly like that. The idea that schools can be separate but equal was struck down by Brown vs. Board of Education of Topeka. "Ways of being officially together" (for want of a better term) can not now be separate but equal any more than public schools could then. Until gays can get married just like straight people, in every state in the union, America and its president will continue to be dramatically in the wrong.

So fine. I knew this. I still liked Obama most. I voted for Obama. I learned my lesson about third party candidates in 2000 when I foolishly voted for Nader. I cried at Obama's acceptance speech. I hoped that he secretly wanted true equality, just kept it under wraps for political reasons. But after his choice of Rick Warren I must think that Obama really doesn't, in his heart, support gay marriage. His choice of Warren upsets me more than if he had chosen William Ayers or Jeremiah Wright.

Alright. Take a deep breath. Let's say it's 1960. Kennedy has just been elected. (That's John F., kids) Perhaps people are hoping that he will bring healing where there is hurt, for example, on the issue of civil rights, which at that time mostly meant the freedom for African Americans to do anything Whites could do. Then let's say Kennedy has an extreme segregationist, say Alabama governor George Wallace, come and speak at his inauguration. Is he representing a diversity of ideas? Is he just demonstrating "the magic of this country" which comes from the fact "that we are diverse and noisy and opinionated."? No, he is not. He is giving a national platform to a bigot.

No difference here. Disgusting. Hateful. Straightist.

Yes We Can. Unless you're gay. Then no, you can't.

Great Ideas From Fox News

I saw two things that made me sad. Then I moved to the elliptical machine at which a column blocks one's view of the tv showing Fox News. But here are the sad ideas that I must excoriate in this forum:

Drilling To Help Big Three?

The idea being that we destroy acres of American coastline and possibly bring a real life oil spill to, say, California or Florida, in order to add one ten-thousandth or so to the amount of oil produced, thereby lowering the price, causing people to rush out and buy big gas guzzling American cars like it was 2004 again. Wow. Do I even need to say anything about how dumb that is?

As I understand it, what we need are more American oil refineries. That would be fine. I am not particularly educated on this issue. Ultimately my question at the above suggestion was this: Does oil drilled from America only work in American cars? No? Okay then. We're done.

I am proud of the way America has reduced its dependence on foreign oil. Has anyone noticed the price drop by approximately two-thirds? $1.69 last time I checked. Drive less, get more fuel efficient vehicles, and the price goes down. Everybody wins. Oh, except for the sheiks in OPEC. I'm proud of us, America.

I forgot the other thing Fox News said that was dumb. I could go watch for ten seconds and get another one, but I don't let that filth in my home, which is where I am.

Coda to Culture Roundup

It's been a tough year for Barenaked Ladies. Some sort of problem with cocaine, cops, and fighting women or something like that on the eve of the tour promoting your first children's album is colossally bad timing. Then there was, I think, a plane crash. I'm not here for research, but anyway I think I remember some things like that. Not my business.

My point is that this morning we listened to Barenaked For The Holidays, the band's excellent seasonal CD. It is my second favorite Christmas album behind the super complete compilation of Elvis' Christmas recordings, If Every Day Was Like Christmas. Barenaked For The Holidays is great. I love that they took the time to really nail the Bono line of "Do They Know It's Christmas". (And tonight thank God it's them instead of you!) They do some funny, irreverent things, they do some poignant things, the music is varied and well thought out, and the sound is good. In other words, it's BNL at their best.

Movies? Yeah, I forgot about those. I don't see as many movies as I used to (a record of 55 in 1999 or one of those years like that) but Let The Right One In was quite good. It's in Swedish with subtitles if you can handle that. I loved the bleakness of the Stockholm suburb and the endless, relentless winter. I loved the basic decency of everyone in the film, trying their best to handle the tough situations they have been dealt. Plus, (Minor SPOILER ALERT! also perpetrated by the film's website) vampire!

And one more book. I finished the latest David Sedaris and started Jack Pendarvis' The Mysterious Secret of The Valuable Treasure. I've only read through the first story but I haven't laughed so hard since...well, since I just read David Sedaris, so that particular superlative phrase loses some power in this case. But I can heartily recommend the first ten pages of the Pendarvis.

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I'd hate to discourage anyone from officially "following" this blog if they are so inclined. At the same time, I have to ask a question. Hey, Save WCAL! Who are you really and why are you following me?

Culture Roundup

First and foremost, I want to recommend to anyone who is a parent or anyone who is not that you immediately listen to (and/or purchase) the song "You're Gonna Miss This" from Greatest Hits II by Trace Adkins. A pompous band like Rage Against The Machine may kid themselves that they are "making a difference" while they line their pockets and those of the corporations they work for. Trace Adkins affects no such pretensions, but with this song he accomplishes what a thousand Rages don't. He makes people feel something that is true at the core of their existence. This song influences my behavior and makes me love my kids more. This song makes me appreciate my life for what it actually is - precious and fleeting. Cheers. Song of the Decade, I think.

Books? Yeah, I read. Book of Lies was good if you like Superman and his creator or thriller conspiracy novels. If, like me, you like both, the novel is a home run. I wish the chapters (and maybe the whole book) had been a little longer, but then I'm a Stephen King fan, too.

Also, if you haven't read David Sedaris, you probably should at least try him out. Should you start with his latest effort, When You Are Engulfed In Flames? Maybe, although I might recommend starting with his first book Barrel Fever. Or just get all the info you need and decide yourself.

So I like that one song, but an entire album of music? Yeah, I do that now and again. I have reached some kind of critical mass with the album Tropical Brainstorm by the late and much missed Kirsty MacColl. I've heard it enough times that I am hearing deeper, other things happening in the words and the music but not yet so many times it's like only hearing a memory of the meaning of the thing. Some stuff I didn't necessarily like at first I now maybe get it a little more. Good Lord, in checking out amazon it would appear that that album has gone out of print! Maybe it will be reissued like the rest of her albums were recently. It's a good time for obsessive completists like myself to get interested in Kirsty MacColl. Anyway, you should check that out and everything else I say.

Coda:
Interesting thing that happens: Celebrities generally start young and make every effort to look young for a long, long time. Then they suddenly quit trying. For Bill Murray, it was his daring performance in the major motion picture Rushmore. For Kevin Costner it's Kevin Costner's celebrity playlist at iTunes and the accompanying publicity photo. Has he aged ten years since Swing Vote? Looks like it. (He also seems to think that Elvis wrote his own songs.) Interesting. Or not.

And Another Show

A totally packed room of family, friends, and strangers watched a double bill of Doc's Kids and Great Uncle Helmer last night at St. Paul's Dunn Bros. Grand Avenue benefiting Toys For Tots. It was a really good show and by the end of the night there was a huge pile of donated toys. Chazz Vader gave me a big box with Star Wars lithographs, badges, and emblems for my birthday. I didn't open the individual boxes in the cramped confines of the Grand Ave. Dunn Bros. There are three and I think I'll open them gradually, savoring them over the course of the weekend.

Doc's Kids were great, of course. I think Tom Adams was particularly on tonight with his drum. I always want his vocals a little higher in the mix, too, but they weren't tonight either. Brian was dressed in a black smoking jacket and sunglasses. He was great. Tough act to follow. In trying, GUH played:

Ring-A-Ling Ding Ding Ding (good - the capo on fret two is the way to go live.)

California (which got some attention, as it does, but felt a little tired to me. I've realized I have trouble holding the high "a" steady as I wind up through the final, somewhat complex chord pattern. Karl was really good on harmonica.)

Behind The Curtain (on which we encouraged people to sing along yet forgot the second verse momentarily ourselves. It actually seemed kind of synchronized. We forgot the same thing at the same moment.)

Isolation For Christmas (which I explained, to avoid some of the disdain that greeted the song last year, as being about staying home with the people who are really important to you.)

Xanadu-Yeah (slow version)-When Will I Be Alive?-Introducing The Door (good)

Kansas City, Nebraska (where my bass solo continued to improve)

Cub Cubota (Karl didn't sing any of the whoa-oh-oh for some reason.)

Ron Cey (which went great, but felt a little long and repetitive, like "Here's this guitar riff I'm playing. Next I'll sing that line about feelings...here it comes...now I sang that line and am playing this little fill around e minor 7" Which is another way of saying it went very smoothly. I was almost not there for the performance in a way.)

If You Can't Fall In Love At Christmas (I missed several chords on this challenging "hot jazz" number, but no one would know. Karl was great.)

POWERFUL STATEMENT (sadly became a train wreck as I forgot all the words for the last four choruses or so. Karl understandably gave up on the cue cards and I apologized.)

Overall I was having trouble hearing my guitar and my voice. Karl's guitar was quite loud in the monitor to my left. I was kind of growl-singing for much of the show. I was overplaying the guitar and worried about breaking a string. I used Brian's mike stand, which is straight up and down - not too good for playing guitar. If I had it to do over (and I imagine and hope I will next year) I would switch it out for a goose neck, even if we lost a minute or so. I realize we forgot Car Of Jonas even though Jonas was actually there. Crap. All of these factors did nothing to make the show less than good and really fun. We had some people hear us who wouldn't have heard us otherwise, and raised quite a pile of toys. Good enough!

If you are in St. Croix Falls, WI on Saturday you have your last chance to catch GUH this year.

A Christmas Miracle

Last Saturday night Karl and I had a show scheduled for 7-9 p.m. at Eden Prairie Dunn Bros. in the historic Smith-Douglas-More House. We've had good shows there several times. When I arrived at 6 p.m. scads of teenagers were flocking in from their parents' minivans. Good so far. There were several of them with guitars, microphones, and speakers set up in the area where Karl and I have played before. Not so good. It looked to me as though music had been double-booked and GUH was SOL. I did not see Karl and thought perhaps I was losing my mind. While I sat in the parking lot I called everyone who I thought might be coming and told them to skip it unless they heard back from me. (I did not have Karl's cell number.)

Eventually Karl arrived and, still sitting in my car, I watched him walk in and scope out the situation and talk to the staff, which activity I had not felt up to, having gone in to a despair spiral upon seeing the raucous children. After he spoke to the staff he continued bringing in his instruments. (Ever the optimist, he had brought his guitar and ukelele in with him on his first trip in.) Seeing this, I warily brought in my guitar.

There was indeed a group of teenagers scheduled to play, but they were scheduled to be done at 7. When they did not stop near 7, the staff kid told us to tell them to stop. Not interested in this potentially unpleasant action, Karl asked him to tell them to stop, which he did. (He was significantly closer to their age.) With less time to set up than we anticipated and no one there to see us play except for the three family members Karl brought, it looked like a recipe for misery, or at least silliness. I asked whether Karl even wanted to bother setting up mikes. Wisely, he said he did.

We played a couple songs and Karl introduced us and said we were there as a benefit for Toys For Tots. He said he knew they could hear us in the other room. For this or some other unknown reason about ten teenagers filed in and sat looking at us expectantly. The show changed and I became nervous, but also excited that even at this marginally promoted show strangers were going to listen to and potentially enjoy our unique brand of music.

We played as one. Karl was really on and I felt good too. We did our Christmas songs from this year and next year (oh, yes, it is written! We are ahead of the game.) We played the Xanadu-Yeah (slow version)-When Will I Be Alive?-Introducing The Door "medley that nevertheless contains complete songs" to enthrall and delight. I was about to suggest POWERFUL STATEMENT when Karl suggested Car Of Jonas. I told them we would sing Car Of Jonas while I prepared to make a powerful statement. It seemed these teens really related to Karl's tale of difficulty maintaining a reliable vehicle (which was borrowed from a teen after all). That set them up for the sing-along (with cue cards) on POWERFUL STATEMENT, which all enjoyed immensely. The teens then filed past to shake our hands and left. It was exciting and fun.

Staying for the remainder of the duration were some old friends of ours from our old hometown of Northfield, the aforementioned family, and a couple that came in and seemed to enjoy what we were doing, or were at least too embarrassed by the idea of leaving to leave. It ended up being a really pretty great show and we raised a toy for the tots.

Just to see what miracle happens, you should probably go to tonight's show.

I Need Some Of That Time Back

Solve This Mystery!

Hey, remember when I added all those hours to your life? I need you to do some quick research for me now. It won't take you nearly as long as I've saved you, so it all adds up and we're even-steven. At least.

I've played the piano for a long time. Two of my favorite pieces to play are by composer Aram Khachaturian (1903-1978). Both are listed as being "from "Adventures of Ivan"." I was recently on the internet and thought I would get a CD of (or at least bug the library to get a CD of) the complete music from "Adventures of Ivan". No dice. Hennepin County Library? No help. Amazon? Nope. Wikipedia? Absent. A comprehensive list of Khachaturian's complete works? Missing. So, my question to you is this:

What is "Adventures of Ivan" and why are two pieces for piano students by Aram Khachaturian listed as being "from" it?

If you figure this out and I am satisfied with your answer, you can get a free 2008 Toys For Tots CD and I will give the ten bucks to the cause for you.

Quiz, Toys, Culture

The first show of Great Uncle Helmer participating in the Toys For Tots drive is THIS SATURDAY! You will want to go and bring $10 or a new toy (no gift wrap) and get the new CD, which I just listened to and which is quite good, maybe the best in the four years this program has been going on. Go! GO! GOOOO!

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I remember back before I was married and had children. I was talking to my parents and was asking them about culture in the 1970s. I happen to think that 1964-1973 was the single greatest ten year period in music history. (Joni, Marvin, Beatles, Zeppelin, Elton, Big Star, on and on) I remember them saying they were just married, had two small children, and did not necessarily follow closely what was going on in the culture. They have about 50 LPs from roughly that period of time, but don't have any real concrete memories of what the public perception of, say, Elvis was at that time. This seemed strange to me once. (Of course I've read about it in books. Duh. I just wondered what it was like to be there.)

Now I have the young children and I realize the same thing is happening to me. I stay a little more connected, perhaps, but mostly through new releases by people I already liked when I was younger and/or single. For example, I listened to Joni Mitchell's brilliant Shine three times today. The thing that really drove home my disassociation from popular culture is that I don't have time for Twilight.

Normally I would probably at least read the first book. But I heard that the author is maybe now refusing to release the seventh book because some of it leaked or something. And the stars of the movie are blah to me. I saw a picture of the girl with a serious, pouty look on her face, with the caption "Sometimes I think about being with you forever." That seemed like an extremely unappealing future.

An allegedly sexy pop culture phenomenon about vampires and I am just going to completely give it a miss? Yep. Sorry Twilight, you'll have to limp along without me. Now I'm going to go read my Angel: After The Fall and Buffy: Season Eight comic books.

Reading This Will Add Hours To Your Life

I am going to free up several hours for you right here. Want to write that novel? Always wanted to play the guitar? Here is your opportunity. Ready?

Complete summary of DVD commentary and bonus featurettes (all films):

Everybody who worked on this project was so great. I was so lucky to get this opportunity. From the crew to the cast to the director everyone was really fantastic and it was magical and we are all so super fantastic we can hardly stand it. On some films it's just work but this cast and crew really bonded and became a family. Oh, and our special effects were revolutionary and yet you don't even notice them, since they're not special effects for their own sake. They're just part of the vision for the story, which was written, directed, acted, filmed, and edited by geniuses working very hard out of love for the work.

There! Now you never again need torture yourself with what is, essentially, a side effect of the technological advancement allowing studios to put a whole bunch of extra stuff with a movie when people watch it at home. Like Jeff Goldblum's Dr. Malcolm Something said so dramatically in Jurassic Park, "they only thought about whether they could and didn't stop to think about whether they should." These documentaries never existed when video stores walked the Earth, you don't see them in the theater, and now they needn't burden us any further at home. You're welcome. (I have to admit, though, that I like deleted scenes.)

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Also, of course, you can let your tv go dead next February. What will YOU do with the extra 2 hours a day, Average American?

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On a different topic, my birthday is coming up and I have just seen the terrific movie Across The Universe. (Oh, wait, that's not totally unrelated is it?) Anyway, long story short there was only one version of the soundtrack released that actually had all the songs from the movie. I thought it was a Best Buy exclusive and so went to Best Buy, whose clueless clerks knew less about it than I. But eBay had it. But it's like $45 including shipping. But my birthday is coming up.

If you are a person who was considering getting me a birthday present yet have not already done so, this would be the crowning achievement of your history as a birthday present giver. Beware the 29 track edition! And don't worry. If I get two I will just sell one on eBay for even more than $45.

Why Did No One Tell Us?

I recently had the opportunity to look deep in to the past and watch a decidedly blurry video of Urban Rust, my old band, playing at the Fine Line Music Cafe in January of 1999. It was okay. Here's the thing, though:

We played every song too fast. Every song. Too fast. And every song speeded up as it went along. I don't remember anyone ever mentioning this to us.

Also, maybe it's just the blurry video, but I appear to have some kind of small animal gnawing on the back of my head.

Now I understand that maybe we were sort of an aloof, cool rock band and maybe people put us up on a pedestal. (None of that is true.) Maybe people thought we were doing these things on purpose - speeding up already too-fast songs, wearing glorious, fluffy ponytails on our bassists, etc.

I understand that criticizing people's appearance can be a very dicey proposition, so the ponytail thing is fine. It's by far not the worst hair mistake I ever made. But someone (anyone!) could have at least confronted us gently on the runaway tempos issue.

Oh, well. I forgive you. Thanks for coming to the shows anyway. The crowd was very enthusiastic and those were some fun times.

Toys For Tots 2008, Sad Yet Intriguing Story

This blog serves as an announcer of New Stuff at memphisevans.com and all the information you need to see a free show and get a free CD is here.

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This was very sad, if captivating.

Sad Stealer Of Yard Signs

He was a college professor and he threw it away to steal McCain yard signs, changing no one's minds, in a state that was absolutely not in danger of going "red" anyway. Doesn't being a college professor give you some influence over people?

There's something else wrong here. People don't just do such stupid self-destructive things without some other incentive. There's more to this story. Therapy is a really good thing and could help him find out what it was that really made him do this. Was something wrong at St. Olaf? If I were his therapist I would say, "What was the benefit of stealing those yard signs, writing about it on your blog, and getting caught?" That would be a good start.

Viagra, I Do Not Need You

Remember how I don't have tv? Well, I'm watching The Office online and it has automatic ads between acts. It seems to be sponsored entirely by viagra, which is maybe not reaching its target audience sponsoring The Office unless I am the youngest person watching and I'm not. So anyway, my question is this:

Hey Viagra, motorcycle and train sounds? Really? Isn't that laying it on a little thick?

Follow Up To Something Else

I mentioned that I was playing the McDonald's Monopoly game. Well, I won. The total haul:

a free medium order of fries

a free breakfast value meal (any)

25 my coke rewards points (redeemable for actual cocaine at some locations)

1 hour of free wi-fi at participating McDonald's

Not exactly the cold hard cash I'd been hoping for, but not bad. And, since I was paying attention, now I know how many calories are in a big mac - 450 (may vary according to individual preparation) - which means about 40 minutes in fat burn mode on the elliptical machine. No sweat. Okay, a little bit of sweat. But it was worth it. Now it's over. See you next year, McDonald's!

Another Fun Exercise

Here's something you can do with your friend. Or more than one friend if you are so lucky. (Between this and the "singing O" exercise from Thursday I am really helping people explore themselves and their relationships. Must be my psychology degree.)

Who are you and your friend in these duos? Why? Answer separately, then compare.

10. Jay & Silent Bob
9. The Smothers Brothers
8. Lennon-McCartney
7. Simon & Garfunkel
6. Sonny & Cher
5. Batman & Robin
4. Thelma and Louise
3. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
2. David Letterman and Paul Schaefer
1. Mick Jagger and Keith Richards

Enjoy!

Follow Up, etc.

I heard from Rob Van Vliet and am now listening to him and his old bandmate Jason Hussa play their excellent, early '90s, largely acoustic version of the Beatles' Tomorrow Never Knows. A 16 song sampler, including that cover song, is available free here:

Straw Dogs
LISTEN TO MY HAIR GROW, vol 3
Straw Dogs sampler 1991-1993

I recommend it.

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Here's a fun exercise. Clear your mind. Sing the vowel "O" and then whatever song that brings to your mind, sing that song. It can be indicative of your mental state. Examples at the end of this entry. It may take a while the first few times you do it, so let that O draw out as much as you want.

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Our third story comes to us tonight from the United States, where a new president has been elected. I am so happy.

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Lately I've been singing Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game" when I do the above exercise. "Oh I...don't wanna fall in love." Other times it ends up being "O Tannenbam". I should write a song that starts with a big O.

Election Predictions

Well, seeing as how I am so good at predictions, I will now tell you who and what will win on election day.

President: Barack Obama
Senator from Minnesota: Norm Coleman
Local school 1.4 M operating levy: pass
Local school 11 M building maintenance bond: fail
Vote Yes for MN: fail

Not saying that's what I want to happen. I'll be disappointed in the Senatorial result. Dean Barkley is going to draw votes from Al Franken. Many people of conscience and intelligence who would normally vote Democrat will go independent because of how totally filthy that race was.

I would like to see both levies for our schools pass, but they've asked for too much during a time when most people just lost 20 percent of their savings or more. Plus our city is loaded with seniors. I would also like to see vote for MN pass, even though it seems procedurally shady. Unfortunately for Yes For MN, Minnesotans have seen too much procedural shadiness with The Great Twins' Stadium Rip-Off.

Now you know. So get out there and vote! Remember - it's Tuesday, November 4 for Democrats and Wednesday, November 5 for Republicans.

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Oh, also. Is this the stupidest product you've ever seen? It's like a joke, right? I guess I get it - it's a really, really hard puzzle. I guess there are people who do those. Okay. Not AS stupid as I thought. Still. Abbey Road would have worked better for me. Just sayin'.

Diet Coke and William Shatner

Is there anything more fun than a large, fountain Diet Coke from McDonald's with a big, long, environmentally devastating straw? Yes. Yes, I suppose there is. But the things that are more fun than a large Diet Coke are really, really SUPER fun! They have to be!

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I got the following in an update e-mail from my facebook friend, international celebrity, and great actor (and I really think that) William Shatner.

"In Shatner News this week we have a new video of Bill Shatner talking about George Takei. The background to this video is that with George's recent marriage; there was a lot of press on the fact George was not inviting William Shatner to his wedding. Since it was done in such a public way; we decided to ask Bill about his feelings on the situation and Bill did not hold back on his opinion."

A disturbing trend is emerging here. First Shatner or someone near him handling his business posted a video of Shatner talking to his daughter about J.J. Abrams leaving him out of the new Star Trek movie. Now this. Why? You're William Shatner for God's sake! You're above these things. George Takei. As George Will might say, Well. "Target that explosion and fire!" Pfft. So what!

You make great albums. You make great television. Every new autobiography is better than the last. Leave the bitterness for the lesser stars, Bill. (Also, Bill or whoever – one space after a period. A computer is not a typewriter. That's actually been my wife's religion as listed on facebook.)

Eager for the next music album and Kirk book, your friend on facebook at least,

Memphis

Ethics

I was listening today to The Moody Blues tape (yes, tape) The Other Side of Life and it just went all hay(ward)wire. (Get it? Ha ha. Nerd.) It barely played the whole thing. It was wobbly in pitch, mostly low and slow, and weird high-frequency warbles were happening as well. I need to get that album on a CD, but only the original, old "October 25, 1990" edition is available. (Frequent comparison shoppers at amazon know what I'm talking about.) The Moody Blues have remastered their first seven albums at least three times that I am aware of, but their later catalog gets no respect or attention - even, so it would seem, from the band themselves.

Anyway, the point being that I recently bought the marvelous new remixed/remastered CD/DVD set of Gensis' Invisible Touch album and sold my old tape of it to Half Price Books. The tape did not play very well (although it was not nearly as bad as my copy of The Other Side of Life), but I did not mention this to the buyer at HPB. It did not even occur to me at the time that this was somewhat unethical. Caveat emptor and all that, but did I do something wrong there? Well, just in case, I will make it right.

If you purchased a cassette of Genesis' Invisible Touch at Half Price Books and it does not work, I will purchase for you the wonderful 2006 CD/DVD version. (Note: receipt and fingerprint match to me required to complete offer.)

I feel better now.

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Speaking of ethics, I have been sucked in to playing in McDonald's's Monopoly game. I remember the first time I played the McDonald's's Monopoly game in 1995/96. Guess what? I won. A lot. Pretty much every day. Know why?

I worked for a newspaper. In the course of my job I handled many (which in this case means the low hundreds – that would be a great band name, btw) copies of that newspaper. In every copy of that newspaper were two tokens for McDonald's's Monopoly game. I would go through the papers until I found a winning game piece for a free order of fries. Then I would go get a free order of fries. I did this about once a week for a total of five or six free orders of fries. Was that unethical? The promotion did not specify that it was closed to employees of participating newspapers, but yes, it probably was. Unethical. So.

McDonald's's Monopoly game is going on again, and to make up for my semi-fraudulent participation over a decade ago, I will participate fully and honestly by purchasing McDonald's's "food" and promoting the contest here at my blog, which has a cumulative (six years) readership now measured in the low dozens.

Go here! It's fun! PlayAtMcD.com

It's so good to be getting these things off my conscience!

Toys For Tots, CD Burner, Trivia Contest

The Blog as New Stuff page for the website:

Toys For Tots 2008 is upon us. Great Uncle Helmer has recorded a new song composed by the band and an old song suggested by one of the bands' moms. Don't miss your chance to hear new material from and see shows by this relatively reclusive band! Check it all out here:

T4T 08

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Does anyone have or know someone who has a Mac compatible SCSI CD Burner, preferably with a Yamaha 400 at its core? Ask around. Thanks.

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Trivia question: What or who is the only band or artist that made and/or makes really, truly great music for the ages AND did their/his/her best work during the decade of the 1980s? (Hint: There is only one.)

The first submitter of the correct answer can have a free copy of any Memphis or Memphis related CD described on the website.

Look, a music store!

Okay, it's not as cool as, say, Down In The Valley. But it doesn't smell like patchouli and you can visit anytime.

The Music Store

That is it. You can go there now. This text included only as a barrier between the actual content and the footnotes built in to the format.

What Am I Going To Do? This.

Here is the plan. There are these two or three or nine songs eating my brain constantly. Tonight, possibly late tonight, I will create drum machine tracks for them and possibly bass, electric guitar and (very quiet) guide vocals. (The kids will be asleep upstairs after all.) I am hopeful that my recording computer will not have problems, yet I am dreading that it will, which will be all I need after a day of near constant WPP. (White People's Problems - e.g. they wouldn't give me a free permanent locker at the health club even though the guy who signed us up for the platinum membership told us we would get them. Dammit! See what I mean?)

Anyway, I'll do that, hold me to it. If I don't do it the songs will continue to eat at my brain, causing unhappiness and dissatisfaction.

Now for the bigger plan! In November, I will not use the internet. Let me say that again. (Ha, ha. See how I'm like Joe Biden? And just parroting whatever the candidates say with someone who looks like them? That's funny, right? No SNL, no it isn't.) In November, I will not use the internet.

Okay, I'll use it for a few, few essentials. But blogging? Not essential. E-mail? Probably not, no. YouTube? Wikipedia? Ha. Right. I just don't have time for you anymore, internet. Monday nights are now yoga class, not public library. That day at Grandma and Grandpa's (who have high speed wireless at home, unlike me) are probably better spent interacting with the two generations on either side of mine. I'll find out, anyway. I've got to finish "The Shapely Bottles" too. Shoot, Bride wrote an entire novel last November. Why can't I wrap up a few things that have been plaguing me?

I just drank a 20 oz. coffee so I'm full of ideas. And jittery. And inspired.

(Okay, I just spell checked for "plaguing" and found that the internet spellchecker feels that the word "internet" should always be capitalized. Kind of self-important and out of touch, internet based spellchecker.)

I Remember This Guy...

On the St. Olaf College music compilation cassette (yes, it was that long ago) Double Exposure II: Coffeehouse Revenge there was a guy named Rob VanVliet, who sang two songs. One was "If This Is Crazy" and it was super great. It was so great I learned it myself and played it live a few times. Now in the age of the internet I search for him and his song but do not find him. What gives, internet? Come on!

Can anyone help me find this guy and find out if he's made any more great music since 1994?

Goodnight, Sweet Twins

What a finish to the season! A sweep of Chicago at home to pull in to first place by half a game. Losing two to Kansas City while Chicago lost two to Cleveland. Winning 6-0 over KC to reduce the magic number to one in a thrilling Sunday game I was fortunate enough to attend. Chicago beating three teams in three days, a feat never before accomplished. With my daughter falling asleep on my chest, I just listened quietly to the excruciating 1-0 loss in Chicago that ended the Twins' season. Probably the saddest finish ever to a baseball season for me. In a way it's a good thing baseball doesn't have the same importance to me that it used to. At least Mauer won another batting title. And wait 'til next year! Thanks for a great season, Twins.

Go White Sox!! Represent the AL Central and kick all their asses. Tampa Bay. Pfff. Right.

Why I'm For Obama

I believe in America. I believe in the system. I work the system. I benefit from the system as much as I possibly can. I'm extremely fiscally conservative. I pay as little in taxes as I possibly can. I believe giving money to the government is worse than burying it in your backyard. I give to tax-deductible charities and you better believe I deduct it from my taxes. I hire a very sharp tax preparation guy and have done so for years.

I am not a "tax and spend liberal". We need rich people and we need for people to know they can build meaningful wealth for themselves and their children if they work hard in this country. Somehow people associate these ideals with Republican presidents, which baffles me. In my lifetime at least, Republican presidents have spent this great country in to massive debt every chance they've gotten.

To me, John "Bomb Iran" McCain represents more wasteful spending on totally unnecessary foreign wars. Bush, like both his father and Ronald Reagan, has failed to uphold any reasonable standard of fiscal conservatism. He has wasted billions of dollars and destroyed hundreds of thousands of lives. The repercussions of his foolish, selfish, illegitimate presidency will be felt for generations. Blah, blah, blah. That is self-evident and not news. How did I even get started on Bush? Ish.

Anyway, John McCain seems like he will continue Bush's policies. I'm not much of an Obama fan (well, I am on facebook, technically) but I think he will, at the very least, probably not continue the Republican pattern of egregious wasting of money and lives. If Obama raises taxes a bit, so be it. At least he won't bury it all in the distant sand.

Seriously, that is all. I promise. I've made up my mind. By now you probably have too. Politics out.

She Has My Old Job

While using the drive up ATM in the drive up service area of the bank where I used to be a teller, I overheard a young woman talking to a customer over the intercom. She was using the exact - and by exact I mean it was almost word for word what I would have said in the same situation three years ago - techniques that I used to help the customer improve and expand his relationship with the bank. I felt proud of her. I figured I probably taught the person who taught the person who taught the person who taught her. (Yes, there is a lot of turnover as the people who are not that good burn out and the people who are good get promoted rapidly.)

First she mentioned that the customer's money could be working harder for him - a good opening with a benefit stated right away. "Yeah, I keep most of that somehwere else," he replied. The next thing I didn't quite hear, but I assume it was some mention of the benefits of having at least some of your investment money and/or long term savings at the same place where you have your main checking account. (I, for example, might have mentioned that a savings account is the least expensive form of overdraft protection.) This is called "overcoming objections" and when it's done just right, a second benefit can be thrown out as well. (Features tell, but benefits sell!)

He said he would think about it, by which he meant he would forget all about it and take no further action. She mentioned that bankers were available inside and could make the changes right away in about five or ten minutes. "No, I've got to get going today." She said she could have a banker give him a call, to which he said "sure." She confirmed the best number and time at which to reach him, sent out his receipt for the transaction and thanked him. Perfect. She'll be on the beach in Hawaii (as I was, did I mention?) in no time if she keeps that up.

As much as I'm glad I'm out of retail banking, mainly because of rude customers who had no respect for anyone, I did like the element of helping the decent people better manage their money and avoid fees they didn't have to be paying and that's exactly what the woman I heard was doing. The fact that employees like her (and formerly me) are given incentive pay, regular reliable raises, free trips, encouragement, and promotions for doing so is a big part of the reason that bank's stock (with which I was also compensated, btw) split shortly after I left and continues to ascend even in the current crisis. Building deeper relationships with existing customers certainly works better as a guiding principle than buying a bunch of bad debt!

I Saw An Amazing Band

Last night I went to the Fine Line Music Cafe to see the band of a former co-worker of my Bride. This is not something I automatically do. What my attendance meant is that I was expecting a good show, not just being social. (In fact, if you know me the idea of me doing something just for the sake of being social is somewhat laughable.) Plus, it was pouring rain and the Twins were playing a meaningful game against their only competitors for the last remaining American League playoff spot.

So why did I go? Well, a drums-bass-guitar power trio is probably my favorite format for live music. (Semisonic, for example, totally slayed the Basillica Block Party in July 1997. With anything beyond the power trio I think that at any one time at least one player gets lost in the noise and the mix.) I also liked Devil's Kettle's songs on their myspace page. Quite honestly, they reminded me of, uh, me. Sort of old school, country-tinged, but not in any way stupid or insipid. Even given these predispositions to enjoying the show, I enjoyed it way more than I had imagined I would. As my dad would say, they exceeded my considerable expectations.

Devil's Kettle is one of a very few bands I have ever seen that I just wanted to stand there and pay attention to every note pouring out of them while shouting, "EEEYYYYEEEAAAAAAHHHH!" (Incidentally, others include Trip Shakespeare, Ben Folds Five and Ululating Mummies, all of whom seem to be defunct, judging by the internets. Plus, in my imagination, John Coltrane.)

Most bands are either a) virtuosic with dull material or b) competent or poor musicians with great material. Devil's Kettle is that rare band that has meaningful original material and can actually play their high quality, good sounding instruments.

The songs of Devil's Kettle are sort of deceptively simple. The lyrics are like a guy is just chatting with you. But it's a guy that cracks you up and is often delightfully vulgar. "I Like ER", "You Are An Asshole", and one song about interacting with Country Boys - heck, pretty much every song had something memorable about it, even though I was hearing all but four of them for the first time. The music flies into unexpected, dark, knotty corners then blasts back to catchy hooks.

Drummer Chris "Buford" Audette is extremely versatile and flows between time signatures and grooves easily and naturally. Bassist/singer Pfoser is a slap-happy monster who claims he's "just trying to keep up" with the other guys in the band, but his modesty is betrayed the moment he whips into a groove. Guitarist/singer Chris Cron is one of the fastest guitarists I've ever seen in person, but what matters is that he is really saying something with the phrases pouring out of his soul. Together they stretch songs out like my old band Honigman used to do - seemingly with no preconceptions about what can happen, with plenty of space for creativity, interaction and individual statements.

Most bands, even if I like them, I think, "They could use such and such. The drummer shouldn't blah blah blah. If I was in this group, replacing so and so by playing x instrument myself, they'd be so much better." The joke about four musicians changing a lightbulb with one of them actually doing it while three stand around saying, "I could do that better" totally convicts me, I'm afraid.

Nothing like that at this show. With Devil's Kettle it was more like, "If I practiced by myself, several hours a day, for a year or so, I might be able to contribute something to this group." They lack for nothing. Writing, interaction, improvisation, virtuosity, and musicianship. I am eager to see their next show, October 1 at the Uptown Bar. You might be too.

Links:
Devil's Kettle at myspace Hear their songs, be their friend, and see when they play.

Eeeeeyyyyessssss!

Because I have faith and tend to believe this is a just world, I knew it would happen eventually. Though they have won five straight games in an effort to keep their fading hopes alive, the Yankees are essentially out of playoff contention. They would have to win six (more) games in a row while the Red Sox lose six in order for the Yankees to get in as the wild card. As much as I have savored the last seven years worth of photos of them sitting sadly in their dugout after they lose a playoff series, I will enjoy this year's results even more.

Why? Because I saw them beat the Twins in the playoffs at the Metrodome in 2003 and 2004. Because they've won 26 World Serieses already. Because they represent the idea that one dizzyingly wealthy man can buy a World Series championship. (Which idea may be true but disgusts me nevertheless.) Because they have at least one person on their team who has admitted to using steroids. For so many reasons, I just want to say,

Ha ha ha ha ha! Yankees suck! YANKEES SUCK!!!

Aaah. It feels so right, doesn't it?

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Incidentally, here is a prediction I got absolutely and completely wrong:

Quick Prediction

How many bloggers will admit to their failures? At least one. You're welcome.