The Onion: News Before It Happens, Part 5

In April of 2002, The Onion published this article:

Mideast Peace Process Derailed, Burned To Ground, Shoveled Over With Dirt

Only 12 years and 3 secretary of states later, the lamestream media caught on:

Kerry: It’s ‘Reality-Check Time’ For Peace Process

The Onion is America's finest news source for being #1 in news. Previous four examples:

Part 4: Iraq
Part 3: The Economy
Part 2: Also Iraq
Part 1: Bush II, U2, The Brewers

Some of the links to the "real" news are dead, as it turns out. None of The Onion's links have died, which just means they are better at that too.

The Onion: News Before It Happens, Part 4

Longtime fans of memphisevans.com know I am a huge fan of The Onion satirical newspaper. They have, once again, published a story BEFORE it actually happened. Here they are:

The Onion, November 30, 2011:
54 Iraquis Die In Not Our Problem Anymore

Yahoo! News, December 22, 2011
Wave of bombings across Iraqi capital kills 60

By the way, neither I nor The Onion are making light of this tragic event. My readers can tell that, right? You get satire, right? The real point being that tragic things are still going on and it is sad, even if we ignore it. I ask because my teacher friend Kaptain Karl has realized that some 90% of high school students do not understand or even recognize satire. It makes me wonder if that statistic is any different in the adult population.

To see previous examples of the remarkable predictive power of The Onion, you can search for other blog entries here with "the onion" tag if you know how to do that. Sometimes I can find that, sometimes I can't. I don't know how to capitalize "the onion" tag.

The Onion: News Before It Happens, part 2

About two years ago I spotlighted the ability of The Onion, America's Finest Source for being Number One in News, to publish stories that at the time seem fictional, but later come true. (Old post).

It has happened again. Here are the links:

August 18: The Onion

Almost two weeks later, August 31: Yahoo! News Story

Seriously, The Onion IS the best newspaper to read if you really want to understand what is happening in the world.

Toys For Tots 2008, Sad Yet Intriguing Story

This blog serves as an announcer of New Stuff at memphisevans.com and all the information you need to see a free show and get a free CD is here.

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This was very sad, if captivating.

Sad Stealer Of Yard Signs

He was a college professor and he threw it away to steal McCain yard signs, changing no one's minds, in a state that was absolutely not in danger of going "red" anyway. Doesn't being a college professor give you some influence over people?

There's something else wrong here. People don't just do such stupid self-destructive things without some other incentive. There's more to this story. Therapy is a really good thing and could help him find out what it was that really made him do this. Was something wrong at St. Olaf? If I were his therapist I would say, "What was the benefit of stealing those yard signs, writing about it on your blog, and getting caught?" That would be a good start.

The Onion: News Before It Happens

I remember when the current doofus-in-charge was put in to the white house. The Onion ran a story saying Bush would all but ruin the United States. This was not a terribly remarkable feat of prognostication, but I find it notable in light of its perhaps less obvious yet equally predictive fake companions.

And as I'm re-reading it I realize that the way they got the details right is kind of remarkable.

Later The Onion created a fake story about how the rest of U2 was embarassed by Bono. About six months later a real story came out about how U2 had almost broken up because of Bono's extra-curricular activities. You can look that up yourself if you want or just believe me and read on.

They did it again recently and this time I'm here with both links. Onion story (July 24, 2008) Yahoo! News Story (August 4, 2008 - link dead) Truly, The Onion is America's Finest News Source.

Miss Ellaneous

I have listened to Kaptain Karl's album The Chicago Tapes all the way through twice today. Man, that is good! It has these moments and performances that are indescribable and inimitable. I think I had to listen twice to some of it to confirm that yes, it really sounded like that. And it is Karl's strongest, most focused batch of songs yet. The sequence is good. I considered remixing it though, knowing what I know now ten years later. It's kind of quiet overall and my copy of it starts to get static-y toward the end, which I think is a function of the sticker applied to the disc.

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I have cleaned up cat poop in three locations today. (Four if you count the litter box.) I have also cleaned up a hearty dose of cat puke. I am forced to conclude that cats' reputation for fastidious cleanliness is just like Republicans' reputation for restraint in government and government spending - a ludicrous lie that those of us faced with the harsh reality of these groups' messes can only wish was truth.

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Here are some other entries from TPWK that I really liked:

Confessions of a Female College Student

Have you considered buying something?

What you've been missing

Rock TV


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I read something the other day that made me sad. It said Hillary Clinton's win in the West Virginia Democratic Primary was "meaningless". Really, Star Tribune? Tell that to the hardworking West Virginian who woke up early, kissed his cousinwife, got out of bed, took a shower in the backyard with the goat, and voted on his way to work at the coal mine!

No, just kidding, West Virginia! You're great. One of my friends in high school was from there. Really! Plus I love the Bruce Springsteen bootleg Oh, Boy! recorded in your majestic city of Charleston! Also I love the song named for you on John Linnell's brilliant State Songs album. I'm just yanking your chain. The chain you use to keep your dog tethered to the giant tractor tire in the backyard near the woods, that is. Ha ha! Just kidding!

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Man! Yahoo! news has become more and more pathetic. The main headline is usually about some lame reality tv show. I used to rely on it as my primary news source that was not the Sunday Star Trib. Now I can rely on it only for a brief mental hit of disgust with the hideous slop being forced on my imperiled country.

I AM The Future Of News

I read somewhere that in the future all news agencies will just provide links to other news. I am not sure about how exactly that will work, but I did want to share my favorite blog with you. I will direct you straight to the post that best exemplifies the random, unexpected, juxtapositional humor I enjoy and leave you to explore the rest on your own.

http://theproblemwithkevin.blogspot.com/2008/04/interview-with-sun.html

Again, to reiterate, that is my favorite blog, so you should check it out.