Friday, January 30, 2009

Your Creepy, Mind-Reading Friend

You know that when you type "There Will Be Blood" into a search engine because you want to go see a local production of Macbeth and that was the headline of the review in the paper and you want to learn how to get tickets, that the next time you visit a different website you will see an ad for Netflix and they will tell you to click there to watch the movie "There Will Be Blood" right now!

Yes, we know that. That's how the internet works now. It's like your creepiest, greediest, most inappropriately invasive friend ever. But did you know that Target can read your thoughts, even out in the parking lot? Yes. Then they share your thoughts with the relevant parties. Doubt me?

The other day, before I went grocery shopping, I thought about an ad I'd seen on a tv at a bar for a product called the Snuggie. This is a combination blanket/housecoat that seems to be for the seriously dedicated couch potato. I have never investigated this item online. I have never spoken to anyone about this item. I am not actually interested in purchasing this item beacuse my lifestyle, thankfully, remains slightly more active than would make this purchase a good value for me.

I merely thought about it and laughed to myself in the parking lot of Target. That's all. And now I get about one spam e-mail per week suggesting I buy one. They are watching, listening, and monitoring. Believe it.

Monday, January 26, 2009

New Stuff - The Beatless

Well, I have moved the "New Stuff" function of my main website to this blog because it is more convenient. As such, here is your notification of some new stuff at the main website.

The Beatless Index

Scot Ninnemann, my old bandmate in an acoustic duo called The Beatless was wondering about what shows of ours I had on tape. So I obsessively documented them and may any day now add their transformation from uneven tapes into good sounding CDs to the long list of unfinished projects in the studio.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Bombs Away! Take It Easy

Comments are now totally free and easy here at Memphis Evans: The Blog. I have enabled total commenting freedom. No typing of squiggly letters, no e-mailing it to me for approval first. Like they say at the Metrodome, "Obsecne or indecent clothing shall not detract from the guest experience." And it won't here either.

(Yes, that really is the first rule of conduct posted throughout the Metrodome, as you know if you've ever been to a Twins game with me. Inappropriate syntax cracks me up.)


Someone in Shotgun Johnson & The Mississippi Seven (jokingly, if I give the benefit of the doubt) suggested we play "Take It Easy" by the Eagles. My thoughts:

I get all the Take It Easy I care to in J. Bell & Lazy Susan. Which is more than I want already. Ideally Take It Easy would be confined to a barrel and shot into the sun. And by "Take It Easy" I mean all copies of the original recording, all subsequent recordings, any and all written record of the song, including, but not limited to, sheet music, lyric sheets and guitar transcriptions. Also Don Henley and Glen Frey. A giant rocket will be erected and kept ready to exile to the sun (and, duh, kill) anyone caught playing the song in the future. I am going to send these ideas to incoming President Obama. Who will sign my petition?


btw I have The Eagles Greatest Hits 1971-1975 and I play this song in a band that has paid me as much as $120 for a single show, so I'll be first in joining in the sacrifice. This is not like some straight, celibate Pope outlawing gays and birth control. You don't play the game, you don't make the rules.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Shows! Power Ballads!

I have just added 2009's currently scheduled shows to the official Memphis Evans performance calendar. If you go to only one show this year, at this point I would recommend the Mississippi Seven show at Hog Wild on Feb. 28.


Power Ballads were a dollar off at Target this week. I've had my eye on this CD for quite some time and $7.99 for all that rock...just felt right.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

What Are You Made Of?

I am curious about what percentage of the human body is water. I think there was a convoluted conversation with a toddler that reminded me that I do not know this very basic fact.

I remember Nagilum (scaaaaary!) calling the Enterprise D crew "ugly bags of mostly water" and Data reported that he was being accurate. So it's at least 50% I think. Once I asked an actual medical doctor with a degree and everything and she said somewhere around 65-70 percent but admitted that she was basing her answer on a memory of a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon, not her presumably extensive training in biology.

But I already asked y'all about the Bible thing this month, so I'm going to do my own research this time. Ready? Here I go. (Note: This will seem instantaneous to you, but will involve long minutes of painstaking research for me. You're welcome.) The answer is:

The human made up of between 55 and 75 percent water (lean people have more water in their bodies because muscle holds more water than fat). Water...makes up, on average, 60 percent of your body weight. source

The human body is 61.8 percent water by weight. Protein accounts for 16.6 percent; fat, 14.9 percent; and nitrogen, 3.3 percent of human body weight. Other elements constitute smaller percentages of body weight. source

Hey, this is one of my internet questions that wikipedia actually totally knocks out of the park. (Not always the case - remember Adventures of Ivan and Rob vanVliet, readers?)

Incidentally, Data is made up of 24.6 kilograms of tripolymer composites, 11.8 kilograms of molybdenum-cobalt alloys and 1.3 kilograms of bioplast sheeting. source

Anyway, there. I did it myself.

Friday, January 09, 2009

The Bible

Hey readers! I am lazy! Help me! Do my research!

I read a lot of books. In the last week or two I read Hotel De Dream, One For The Money, and Star Trek: Destiny: Books One and Two. I was about to read Inside Out by Larry Crabb for a book study an old friend is leading online. This is a book about Christianity. Then I was thinking how I would like to read the whole bible. (Not as a New Years Resolution either. I don't do those because they don't work any better than, say, July Resolutions - time of year is just a coincidence.)

Here's the thing though. The Bible is handicapped as a work of actual readable literature. It's always broken up into tiny columns. It's got numbers all over it that break up what narrative and/or poetic flow there is. I love the Bible but it's hard for me to really read it and get into it like I do with other books. So how can you help me?

I seem to remember something about a Bible that came out a few years ago that attempted to dispel these chronic handicaps to the Bible's readability. It may have been endorsed by Bono. I would love to read a Bible with normal typesetting and no numbers (okay, maybe just chapter numbers, but no verse numbers). It doesn't have to be in modern language, in fact I would rather it were not. I've read the Bible enough that I like the syntax, grammar, and language the way it is. It's just the way it's printed on the page that always makes me feel I'm trudging through mud. So is there such a thing? A Bible with old school syntax and language but modern, readable typesetting?

Friday, January 02, 2009

I Am Judging You, Traffic

From the window of one of my blogging sites I have a clear view of a stop sign in a neighborhood that is loaded with small children. I will now judge people on their stopping, using the following criteria:

good: wheels actually stop, person looks around, and is not on phone

adequate: wheels slow down significantly, looks around, and is not on phone (note: this non-stop is still, technically, illegal)

poor: any of these three criteria are not met

okay, now suddenly traffic has slowed…

Here we go:


waiting for one more…

one more chance, traffic…

GOOD! Well done, final person I will notice. I wish there were some way to give you $100 dollars and have you know and accept just exactly why. Wouldn't that be a useful traffic management device? If everyone had the option, instead of just giving the friendly wave of thank you, to immediately reward a fellow driver financially for making wise and kind decisions? What with all this OnStar stuff, it seems within the technological realm of possibility and I could see that being a big success - making money and saving lives.

My favorite thing is when a cop car sits just out of sight of this intersection. This happens about once a month as far as I can tell. They could raise their annual budget in a few short weeks with aggressive ticketing at this intersection.