An Interview with The Guy Who Threw A Shoe At George W. Bush

Memphis Evans: Hello and welcome to Memphis Evans: The Blog. Thanks for coming in today.

The Guy Who Threw A Shoe At George W. Bush: Thank you. It's nice to be here.

ME: Now listen. Let's get down to it. I do not like George W. Bush. But honestly, when you, uh, when you threw that...what the? Do you hear that?

TGWTASAGWB: Sorry?

ME: Do you hear that ticking? What is that?

TGWTASAGWB: Mmm...I'm not hearing it. Sorry.

ME: (pause, listening) Yeah, I think it stopped. So, anyway, my point is that in that video you actually made George Bush NOT look like an idiot on YouTube for the first time in his entire presidency. He dodged it like an athlete. He stayed cool. Do you have any...Hang on. There it is again. Do you hear that? You have to hear that!

TGWTASAGWB: Well...(listens) I don't. A ticking, did you say?

ME: Yeah. Or sort of a beeping? Like a, uh, right there! I just heard it!

TGWTASAGWB: Maybe. Anyway, I threw the shoe to make the point that...

ME: There! That...it did it a bunch of times. You can't tell me you didn't hear that! I have to go see what that is. It's driving me nuts. Hang on.
(exeunt)

TGWTASAGWB: Okay.
(waits)

Interview With A Guy Who's So Hardcore You Don't Even Know

From time to time I meet people whose behavior, for whatever reason, catches my attention. Such was the case recently in the locker room at my health club.

Memphis Evans: Hello Guy Who's So Hardcore You Don't Even Know, and welcome to Memphis Evans: The Blog.

Guy Who's So Hardcore You Don't Even Know: (Gasping for breath, indistinct verbalizations)

ME: I couldn't help but notice that brightly colored, custom fit cyclist outfit you're wearing. Pretty snazzy!

GWSHYDEK: (Sits down on bench, continues gasping)

ME: Really, though, what'd that set ya back?

GWSHYDEK: You...don't...even...(breathes only slightly less heavily, as time slowly eases the trauma of his monster workout)

ME: Do you find your current behavior in any way embarrassing or overplayed?

GWSHYDEK: (Lies down on his back on the bench, closing his eyes, rubbing his face and continuing, essentially, to pant)

ME: I guess not. How about a hint as to how long you were in there? I assume you were spinning or some such thing?

GWSHYDEK: I...so much more...than you...(abandoning conventional human speech, drops arms from bench to floor in horizontal version of crucifixion pose)

ME: Are you even from Minnesota? I would honestly be mortified to be as demonstrative as you are being right now. Even if I were that tired and worked myself that hard I would never lie down on the locker room bench, breathing like a sick animal. I don't even like using the locker room, if you really have to know. That's kind of why I use this out of the way room of it with no mirrors and usually no other people. Nevertheless, people like you fascinate me and I thank you for visiting ME:TB. Anyway, I hope you recover soon. I'm off to my 45 minutes of elliptical and 15 laps in the pool.

(ME exit)

GWSHYDEK: Pussy.

(GWSHYDEK expires)

An Interview With Hume Cronyn

Memphis Evans: Hello and welcome to "Memphis Evans: The Blog". Thank you for coming today.

Hume Cronyn: You're welcome. Glad to be here, Sneaky! That's what I'm gonna call ya, 'cuz you look sneaky to me, okay?

ME: Sure. Let's talk about the partnership for which you are best known. Your work with Jessica Tandy, both on and offscreen, was graceful, intelligent, sensual, and, although she preceeded you in death by almost nine years, eternal.

HC: Uh...I'm not sure what you're talkin' about, Sneaks.

ME: According to imdb.com you made a whopping 37 films together. Strangely enough, while I could easily find information on the films, I could not find the story of how the two of you met. Will you share that with me?

HC: Made films? I mean, met who? You're goin' over my head here, Sneaky. Heh, heh.

ME: That is delightful. Hume, what was your favorite role?

HC: Are you makin' fun of me? I don't have to sit here and listen to this. Dick? Dick? Karl? Somebody? Where'd Dick go?

ME: I can see why that would appeal to you and I thought your performance was spectacular - a bellwether of restrained emotion and hard-won dignity. Any projects currently on the burner?

HC: Projects? I don't have to sit here and listen to this. I'm the President of the United States. When you mess with Texas, you get the horns! Fuck you, Sneaky Memphis, and the horse you wrote in on.

ME: Thanks for stopping by, Mr. Cronyn. I've enjoyed getting to know you better.

An Interview With The Guy Who Just Walked Near Me From The Parking Lot In To The Library

ME: Hello, The Guy Who Just Walked Near Me From The Parking Lot In To The Library. Welcome to Memphisevans.com. Can I call you Guy?

TGWJWNMFTPLITTL: Ohhhh. Unghhhhh.

ME: How do you like this library? Great reservation system, beautiful scenic windows, and a really fun kids area. Do you have any kids?

TGWJWNMFTPLITTL: Hummmmmm. Hm hm hm. Nngh. Ahhh.

ME: I mean parking gets a little hairy now and then, but they did a nice revamp of that last summer.

TGWJWNMFTPLITTL: Nnnnguuuuuhhhhaaaaigh. Mmooomf.

ME: Are you laughing? Or...?

TGWJWNMFTPLITTL: Nnnngh. Aaaaaaigh. Mmmf.

ME: Are you singing right now? Is that what that is?

TGWJWNMFTPLITTL: (Grabs lower back) Nnghhhh.

ME: What's sad is that you don't seem that much older than I.

TGWJWNMFTPLITTL: Hunnnnnghhhhh. Mmmmnghhh.

ME: Well, here we are at the library! I'm a-goin' this-a-way. Catch ya later!

TGWJWNMFTPLITTL: Guhhhhhhh. Aighhhh.

ME: Thanks for the interview, Guy. See you next time.