I bought a new microwave last year because...well, because I punched our oven so hard it broke. What can I say, it was making noise. Really annoying, constant noise that only stopped with careful, gentle punching but then the careful modulation of the punching hardness just got away from me and suddenly my blood was spattered around the kitchen and I have a scar on my right pinky now. Anyway, the point being that we decided to get a new microwave to hang above our new oven/range.
So given that our old oven was a victim of its own irritating noise habit AND given that we were using as a possible model for our new one my parents' microwave, which has a mute function, WHY GOD WHY did I not insist on having a mute function built in to our new microwave? Now we have a loud beepin' microwave that doesn't just beep when you program it and start it up. Oh, no! It beeps when it's done. Then it beeps once a minute until you give it further attention. This is especially nice when you set it to make a nice relaxing cup of tea, then go away to, say, change a diaper. (Not an activity from which you can walk away) Beep...beep...beep...come back to me!...beep...I will awaken you and your children...beep...beep...BEEEP!!
What is wrong with me that I forgot to get a mutable microwave?!? How often do you buy a new microwave? Well, if you're me it's an average of...so far...once every 36 years. So who cares? Why would I write a blog about it? Here is the takeaway. If just one person learns from my mistake, then it will have been worth it. So let me make an egregious break with netiquette for a moment and use all caps combined with obnoxious, obvious cut and paste for a summary.
BUY ONLY MICROWAVE OVENS WITH MUTE FUNCTIONS OR YOU WILL REGRET IT!! BUY ONLY MICROWAVE OVENS WITH MUTE FUNCTIONS OR YOU WILL REGRET IT!! BUY ONLY MICROWAVE OVENS WITH MUTE FUNCTIONS OR YOU WILL REGRET IT!! BUY ONLY MICROWAVE OVENS WITH MUTE FUNCTIONS OR YOU WILL REGRET IT!! BUY ONLY MICROWAVE OVENS WITH MUTE FUNCTIONS OR YOU WILL REGRET IT!! BUY ONLY MICROWAVE OVENS WITH MUTE FUNCTIONS OR YOU WILL REGRET IT!! BUY ONLY MICROWAVE OVENS WITH MUTE FUNCTIONS OR YOU WILL REGRET IT!! BUY ONLY MICROWAVE OVENS WITH MUTE FUNCTIONS OR YOU WILL REGRET IT!!
That is all I really wanted to say. You're welcome.
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Hi Memphis, this is God.
ReplyDeleteI was browsing through my feeds this afternoon ("this afternoon" for me consists of the period beginning in 1850 and ending in the year 2372), and came across your plaintive textform wail.
I'll cut to the chase, since I've got a lot of blogs to get through.
I'm testing you. I want to see how well you hold up when faced with the cumulative consequences of one careless decision. What you probably haven't guessed is that the microwave purchase is simply a link in a chain of related (not in any way discernible by you) decisions that go back to your childhood.
I have a very sophisticated team of actuaries and analysts and other professionals whose titles start with "A" cross tabulating the data so far, and I can tell you: it's very interesting. When you get up here (do you want the date?) I'll have one heck of a Powerpoint presentation for you!
So, I don't really have a "why" for you at this time, but maybe you can take some comfort in our ongoing attention to your activities.
Your friend,
God